Art thou existence?

They say- Existence is suffering.

There is only a single soul

And the rest is maya,

The illusion of a phenomenal world.

So art is an illusion resulting from suffering?

Maybe that’s why

I prefer to suffer,

Because I treasure art

More than my being.

The tears on my face

Look like pearls of inspiration.

The bags under my eyes

Is where creation resides.

I’d rather live an illusion

Than sacrifice the suffering.

Art leads to my existence.

Existence leads to suffering.

Suffering seizes existence.

But what would existence be without art?

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Enough

When I was in middle school,

I could never write,

My anxious mind thought too fast,

Forgot about the commas and full stops,

Underlying past, made me grow up fast,

I didn’t relate to my peers.

The only words I spoke were to my pillow; tears

And sleep, was a lost cause.

I thought I was not smart enough,

Not good enough,

Not enough.

I started chunking my thoughts,

Using punctuation,

And found a friend in words,

Someone to talk to,

Someone to cry to,

Someone to be to,

Myself.

Suddenly I was enough, to myself

And everyone else.

……………………………………………………………………..

This is the tiniest chunk of a million thoughts I could put to words. It’s been hard to express and share again. So the posts might seem disoriented and lacking edge. But I’m trying to find a lost friend in my pen and me. Keeping it as simple and basic as I can.

Maybe we could

If god was an artist

Who made his favorite creations thrive

And the ones he disliked suffer.

Maybe he never learned to love himself,

So we didn’t either.

But maybe we could turn the tables.

Maybe we could love ourselves,

Art is not right or wrong.

It’s art,

There are no rules.

My Mind is a Black Hole

Everyone has their days I’m having mine. I usually have a problem accepting I go through #teenagerthings, I’d rather be a kid forever. I really haven’t accepted I’ve turned 17 anyway. And yes, it’s a problem. More serious than I often realise. But that’s not my point. This is majorly or maybe entirely a rant.

I’m talking about a teenager problem ‘Over Thinking’.

  
I’ve been home for 12 days. Haven’t gone to school. School literally tames me. Without school I loose my soul. Mostly because I need to see people my age. 

I’ve been out sick, so basically now that I’ve gained consciousness of the world around me I’ve started thinking. I want to do so many things. I have so many ideas for new posts, but I haven’t been able to write any. I want to read so many books, haven’t been able to read any. I want to sing so many songs, haven’t been able to sing any. I want to do everything, and have done nothing. I feel like so much time has been wasted.

Now I’m so anxious because I don’t know, that just happens when nothing happens. That is supposed to happen.

Phone calls? Texting? 

Although I love it, I’m sick of it. How long should a person eat pain killers till she or he gets a cure to the root cause?

And to top it off, I had an exam. I wanted to get done with it. It was my last exam so I had finally actually caught up with a study flow and I was well prepared. But NO. Life just be like, “Ha! In your face!”

I got Dengue. Who even names something that ridiculous? And what did I ever do to that bloody female? I’m referring to the mosquito that bit me ( Old biology class memory reference ). First she sucked my blood, then the doctors did.

I keep checking my phone for absolutely no reason as if it will inspire me to do something. Maybe it did.

Yesterday I was reading tumblr posts, I found these⬇️

   

And then just sat there and made a note to myself⬇️(*farts)

 

Basically, I am obsessed with colors and as a result rainbows. It just makes me happy to see colors even think of them.  I associate colors with a lot. They hold a lot of meaning in my life. Even black and white. I love art. I absolutely adore it. Even if I have the art skills of a 2 year old. I just do it. It makes me feel boundless, like I’m unstoppable. I’ll share them some day. But, no you don’t decide if I can like rainbows or not. I love rainbows. Every one should. 

Isn’t this adorable?🔻 (Another tumblr post)

 
Then well I sat with exploding rainbows in my head and laughed for an hour without any reason.

I did that to keep myself from being miserable without a reason, and ended up with a wet face because I laughed so much I was in tears.

Today I found my old playlist. It wasn’t fun, I ended up rejuvenating old emotions. It was like picking on wounds without even realising. Bad memories were coming back. It was like a drug, it wasn’t doing me good exactly but I kept wanting more of it because it made me feel good. I heard a few songs that I just love on repeat for hours. They are great songs I just associate them with wrong things. ( A few of them were: ‘Where Earth meets water’ , ‘If I loose myself tonight’ , ‘Alone together’ and ‘Written in reverse’  )

There is so much to think about, your brain finds a tiny escape and there goes the animal wild.

I think for two minutes and my brain gets tangled in its own unfathomable thoughts. It’s hard to imagine the inception that suddenly just pops in creating dimensions that we have never known and then I just let go of it the funniest part is dimensional analysis practically isn’t even my thing, it actually took me time to get it theoretically even when it’s so easy.

Conclusion: I miss school and some may think I’m crazy, I know I am.
 
  

The Little Boat

There was a happy little boat,

Merrily it sailed,

Until one day,

Both of its oars,

Broke away.

Now the little boat,

Was in the swirling storm,

Alone and helpless,

Nowhere to go.

It thought the oars were there for life,

But looks like they took off with strife.

Little did they realise,

The boat is who they penalised.

They seeked new boats,

But never returned.

The poor little boat swam alone.

The oars felt no guilt,

Forgetting the relationship they had built.

The poor little boat still swims alone,

Hoping to never loose faith, 

Or never die alone.

The lonely boat one fine day,

Struck ashore,

Relived of all the pain it bore,

As it found a place to rest.

And that is not even the best,

It found that it was really blessed.

There stood a family,

With their new ship.

They needed a life boat,

They found one,

The little boat, was happy again.